


Wherever You Go

by Cas_tellations



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012!Phan, Angst, M/M, WOOOO GUESS WHO FINALLY WROTE SOMETHING LONGER THEN 1K??!, enjoy, i havnt slept in days, thanks to @luminarylester on tumblr for betaing this, winnie the pooh songfic kindof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 02:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8310988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cas_tellations/pseuds/Cas_tellations
Summary: Prompt from @Phanfic, a thing based on 'Wherever you are' from winnie the pooh."He could vividly remember the nights where Phil wouldn’t yell, instead he’d creep into Dan’s room and shuffle into his bed, slipping his warm hand into Dan’s and whisper a quiet apology, which Dan would believe instantly. He would let Dan cuddle into his chest, and wrap his arms protectively around him, planting a soft kiss against Dan’s forehead while he fell asleep, feeling safe and secure for the first time in ages.But Phil was never there when he woke up, and the next morning, it would be back to the painful routine of ignoring each other."





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hi look what i wrote

 

 

Dan heard the door slam behind him, echoing through the empty hallway of the seemingly-deserted apartment building. He felt the uncomfortable lump in  his throat, the hint of tears stinging his eyes. He hated this, hated the endless cycle that he and Phil had somehow become caught up in. Nearly everyday it was the same, too-loud angry voices and mean lies, covering up something that they really shouldn’t have to be ashamed of. 

A half hour later, he found himself walking through a deserted park, god knows where. The streetlamps dimly lit the path in front of him, leading him through the tree-bordered trail. 

 

Thoughts raged through his head, initially just anger. 

 

Anger at Phil and anger at himself alike; he knew it was his fault, but taking the blame for something was hard, and it hurt to admit. That’s why it was so easy to just stick the blame on Phil, stick the blame on the fans, blame anything and everything that wasn’t himself. 

 

He didn’t even know how this particular argument had started, or what it was even about. 

 

But somehow, it had happened, and Phil was yelling at him, and he couldn’t stop himself from screaming back, snarling out unfair accusations at his boyfriend. 

 

_ Boyfriend.  _

 

Because throughout the whole thing, they never had officially broken up, so really, they were still together. In some way. 

 

Should they be together? They hadn’t so much as hugged each other in weeks. Scarcely a word had been said between them that wasn’t mean, or rude and provoking in some sort of way. 

 

Dan shoved his hands into his pocket. This wasn’t the first time that he had left the flat in the middle of an argument, and though it was cold, at least he had thought to bring his jacket this time. 

 

He cursed Phil under his breath, why did he have to make that video? It had been stupid. It was still stupid. 

 

_ The first time Dan had seen the video, he had smiled so much that his whole face started hurting and tears appeared in the corners of his eyes. The Wi-Fi had been shit, so he had to actually pause the video at the beginning so that it could load enough to play properly.  He had tried to skype Phil right after, but the Wi-Fi wouldn’t allow it, so instead he just re-watched the video, playing it over and over until he stopped missing Phil and fell asleep.  _

 

His breath formed clouds in the chill y air. He looked up to the night sky, but it held no reassurance from the stars, the galaxies above him blotted out by clouds. 

 

_ Come out moon,  _

_ Come out wishing star, _

_ Come out,  _

_ Come out, _

_ Wherever you are. _

 

Dan sat down on one of the benches that bordered the gravel path, drawing his knees up to his chest and balancing his chin on top of them. He wrapped his arms around his shins, awkwardly leaning against one of the bench’s armrests. 

 

He wasn’t sure if he wanted Phil to find him. 

 

But he did want to stop being alone. 

 

Everything used to be so simple only a few years back, when they would skype for hours everyday, or even just sending each other tweets and texting. They were always around one another, in a way, because they were always talking, always in the middle of a conversation, always waiting for the other to come online. 

 

Even after they first met in person, they never got tired of eachother. They could talk for five hours, but Dan would still miss Phil when they eventually ended the skype call. 

 

Dan’s fear of the dark wasn’t really the best thing in this situation, since it was already pretty late when he left, and now several hours had gone past. 

 

_ I’m out here in the dark, _

_ All alone and wide awake, _

_ Come and find me, _

_ I’m empty and cold, _

_ And my hearts about to break, _

_ Come and find me. _

 

Once again, he heard the yells of Phil’s voice racing through his head, and though they were just memories, he still flinched and withdrew into himself, wishing that they could just go back to how things used to be. 

 

He didn’t even realise that he had started crying, but apparently he had and now he couldn’t stop. Sobs took over his body and, though he tried to muffle them, little whimpers escaped his mouth. 

  
All the pent-up emotion that he had been holding in seemed to just be coming out right now, whether he liked it or now, and fuck he  _ missed  _ Phil. Maybe not the Phil that screamed at him and then would ignore him for days on end, but the Phil who would hold him gently when he was feeling sad, the Phil who would kiss him with so much love that Dan could feel like maybe he wasn’t such a colossal fuck-up after all, the Phil who would tell him that everything would be okay, even if it seemed like nothing would work out ever again. 

 

_ I need you to come here and find me, _

_ Cause without you I’m totally lost, _

_ I’ve hung a wish on every star, _

_ It hasn’t done much good so far, _

_ I can only dream of you, _

_ Wherever you are.  _

 

He closed his eyes, feeling the sadness and genuine fear of the whole situation wash over him. He didn’t even try to fight it back, he just let it overtake him until he could barely see and felt numb, like nothing even mattered anymore. 

 

_ I’ll hear you laugh,  _

_ I’ll see you smile, _

_ I’ll be with you just for a while, _

_ But when the morning comes,  _

_ And the sun begins to rise, _

_ I’ll lose you. _

 

He could vividly remember the nights where Phil wouldn’t yell, instead he’d creep into Dan’s room and shuffle into his bed, slipping his warm hand into Dan’s and whisper a quiet apology, which Dan would believe instantly. He would let Dan cuddle into his chest, and wrap his arms protectively around him, planting a soft kiss against Dan’s forehead while he fell asleep, feeling safe and secure for the first time in ages. 

 

But Phil was never there when he woke up, and the next morning, it would be back to the painful routine of ignoring each other. 

 

Sometimes, Dan just wanted a time machine so that he could go back just far enough to say that it was  _ fine.  _ That they didn’t need to be ashamed of anything that they were. That it would be  _ okay  _ to just be themselves, even if that meant officially coming out. 

 

But instead he had to freak out, ruining it forever. 

 

_ I’ll hear you laugh, _

_ I’ll see you smile, _

_ I’ll be with you just for a while, _

_ But when morning comes, _

_ And the sun begins to rise, _

_ I’ll lose you.  _

 

Dan looked up, greeted by only the darkness of the clouds, not heavy enough to send millions of rain droplets down onto the world, which was possibly the only thing that could possibly make Dan’s situation any worse. 

 

_ Because it’s just a dream, _

_ When I open my eyes, _

_ I’ll lose you.  _

 

Dan could hear some sirens somewhere off in the city, because really, he was never alone, he was in the middle of the fucking city. But it still felt like he was alone, even if he was surrounded by thousands of people, the one person who he really wants to see is the only one who isn’t there. 

 

_ I used to believe in forever,  _

_ But forever's too good to be true,  _

_ I’ve hung a wish on every star,  _

_ It hasn’t done much good so far.  _

 

Dan could feel the emotions grabbing at him again, not letting him have enough time to recover. Tears raced down his cheeks and stung his eyes. He was so thankful that it was dark enough to prevent any passerby’s of seeing his stupid tear-streaked face. 

 

_ I don’t know what else to do, _

_ Except to try to dream of you, _

_ And wonder if you are dreaming too, _

_ Wherever you are.  _

_ Wherever you are. _

 

He shakily grabbed his phone out of his pocket, turning it on and squinting at the too-bright screen. 

 

**2:47am.**

 

He switched it off, storing it back inside his pocket safely. He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, wiping the tears away. And stretching his legs out, trying to get himself together enough to just walk home. 

 

No matter how much he didn’t want to go home, he knew he had to. 

 

“Dan?” Dan looked up in surprise, Phil’s voice reaching his ears. 

 

Phil stood in front of him, his hands shoved into his pockets and a worried look on his face. 

 

“I-I’m sorry.” Dan mutters, wanting to just avoid any further arguments. 

 

“Sorry for what?” Phil asked, taking a step forwards and sitting beside Dan on the bench, a comfortable amount of space between them. He didn’t seem to be angry. 

 

Dan shook his head, fiddling with the cuff of his jacket. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was sorry for, he just knew that he was  _ sorry.  _

 

Phil tries to shuffle closer to Dan, but Dan shies away, whispering:

 

“Please, don’t touch me.”, His voice so thick with fear that it sends shivers down Phil’s spine. 

 

“I’m not going to hurt you.” Phil says, his words almost sickly they were so gentle.

 

“There’s a first time for everything.” Dan replied, still keeping his distance. 

 

Phil doesn’t have an answer for that, so he stays silent, taking the fact that Dan hadn’t gotten up to leave as a good sign. 

 

“Why are you here, anyway?” Dan asked a minute later, trying to sound nonchalant and like it didn’t really matter, but failing miserably. 

 

“I was looking for you.” Phil replied a second later, as if he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to answer with the truth or not. 

 

They lapsed into an awkward silence, each of them wanting to talk but not being able to form proper words on their tongues. 

 

Dan wished that the clouds would move, everything would be so much better if he could see the stars, or even just the moon. 

 

“I’m sorry, too.” Phil says, after what seemed like hours of silence. 

 

“Sorry about what?” Dan shoots back instantly, turning his head to look at the older boy. 

 

“Everything.” Phil sighs, “What we’ve become. I never meant for any of this to happen.” 

 

“Well, shit happens.” Dan replies, taking a deep breath in and out, trying to calm himself down enough to prevent the tears from starting up again. 

 

“Yeah…” Phil trails off, shuffling his feet against the ground awkwardly. 

 

Dan almost laughs at how lost Phil looks. Phil had no fucking right to look like that, he was the one who was always yelling. He wasn’t allowed to be the one who was broken. 

 

“We should go home.” Phil states a while later, sick of sitting on the goddamn bench in the cold with an unresponsive… boyfriend. 

 

Dan didn’t reply, he just got up and started walking back the way that he came. 

 

Phil walked by his side, occasionally turning his head towards Dan like he was about to say something, then thought better of it. 

 

Strangely enough, Phil was still wide awake by the time that they finally got home. 

 

Dan went off to his own room without saying goodnight, just sorta locking himself in there so that he could have a legitimate reason for ignoring Phil. 

 

Phil sighed. It would be completely useless at this point to try and drag Dan out of his shell. He hated that, after everything that they’d been through together, it was finally each other’s presence that drove them over the edge, to a place where peace and happiness were virtually non-existent. 

 

They used to be so close, Dan never felt scared or anxious about coming to Phil for help or advice, or simply for a nice word on a bad day. 

 

But now  _ Phil  _ was the one who Dan was scared of. It was  _ Phil  _ who caused the bad days to happen in the first place. 

 

Phil had never thought that it would ever come to this. 

 

It was supposed to be him and Dan, together forever, against any sort of struggle; they were supposed to be able to make it out alive, because they had each other, and as long as they had each other, they were supposed to be okay. 

 

_ Well, Shit happens. _

 

Phil closed his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath in, then going up to Dan’s door and knocking lightly. 

 

This couldn’t be the end of what they were. He had to fix it, or at least try. He hated the fighting and the crying and the threats and the pain that came with it. 

 

“Dan?” He called when the door didn’t swing open. 

 

He thought that could hear the quiet sniffling of someone who was trying to stop crying, but he wasn't completely sure. 

 

“Dan?” He called again, knocking a bit harder, “Dan, please open your door.”

 

“No.” Came Dan’s stubborn reply from what sounded like directly on the other side of the door. 

 

“Why not?” Phil asked, trying to keep his voice free of anger, striving to be patient. 

 

Dan didn’t answer. 

 

Phil wasn’t even surprised at this. He sat down with his back pressed to the door, thinking that at some point in the future Dan would have to leave the room. He had to eat, after all. 

 

Phil didn’t have to wait too long, because only a few minutes later, Dan’s door swung open and Phil, who was leaning against it, tumbled into Dan’s room. Dan tried to close the door again, but Phil hurriedly stood up and prevented Dan from doing so. 

 

“Dan! Just let me- talk. Please?” Phil gasped, leaning heavily against the door so that there was no way that Dan could close it. 

 

“No!” Dan cried, still trying to close the door, “J-Just go away.” His face was red and blotchy, like he had just recently stopped crying. His words were broken and small, like he wished that he could just be left alone. 

 

Eventually though, Phil was the one who won, Dan stopped trying to close the door and sighed in exasperation, taking a step back and trailing his fingers over the wall of his room, as he walked over to his bed and flopped down onto it like a spoiled toddler.

 

“What d’you want?” He asked, his voice muffled by the pillow that his head was buried in. 

 

Phil followed Dan to the bed, sitting down on the edge of it, keeping his distance from the younger boy. 

 

“To talk.” Phil stated plainly. 

 

“About what?” Dan shot back, keeping his face pressed into the pillow.

 

“Us.” His voice was thick with hidden emotion, trying not to show the sadness and pain to the obviously and understandably hurt brown-haired boy. 

 

“What about us?” Dan said. 

 

Phil swallowed, trying to think of the right words to use. 

 

_ I’m sorry. This is my fault, not yours. Please don’t think that any of this was ever your fault, because it’s not. It’s mine. And I’m so fucking sorry about it. I wish that I could just go back in time and change what I did, and what I said, but I can’t do that. There’s no way that I can do that. I wish more than anything that I could, but I can’t. Because people change, lives change, feelings change. You’d think that after everything that’s happened, after everything that I’ve- We’ve done, the feelings would change. But my feelings about you, my real fucking emotions, haven’t changed, sure, there’s more arguments than ever before, and it fucking sucks, but I still love you. I don't know why. I shouldn’t love you, after everything that has happened, I shouldn’t love you. But I do. And I’m so fucking sorry that you don’t think that I do. _

 

But Phil couldn’t say that. 

 

He couldn’t blindly put all his trust in his words, because they could say so many things, but none of those things would be the right thing. None of them would be the ones that the broken brown-haired boy laying beside him needed to hear. 

 

He considered touching him, resting a hand on his back and reassuring him that everything would be okay, like he used to do, when Dan was stressed and didn’t know what the fuck to do with his life, and would sneak into bed with Phil, curing up comfortably and safely into the hold of the other boy. 

 

He couldn’t do that anymore because Dan was scared and it was all Phil’s fault. 

 

_ Fuck.  _

 

He wanted to so badly, wanted to tell Dan that it would all work out, they were Dan and Phil, they could get through anything, they were fucking soulmates, no matter what shitty things they were forced to go through, they’d always have each other because they loved each other, they were in love, and nothing anyone else would ever say could possibly change that fact. 

 

_ Fuck it.  _

 

Phil shuffled closer to Dan, letting one of his hands rest softly against the small of Dan’s back. He felt the smaller boy tense up, but he didn’t pull away or say anything, encouraging Phil just enough to not retreat back to his own room, because really, he’d made it this far, so there was no more going back. Hopefully. 

 

Phil moved closer to Dan, laying on his side next to him. He let the hand on Dan’s back trail up to his head, playing with his slightly wavy brown hair. 

 

“I’m  _ sorry. _ ” He whispered, his voice carrying in the silence of the room. 

 

And then suddenly Dan wasn’t cuddled up into the pillow, he was turning and sliding his arms around Phil’s waist, shoving his face against his chest and breathing hard against him, the type of breathing that you do when you’re desperately trying to hold back sobs. Phil raised his arms to hug Dan back, like he always did all those months ago. 

 

It wasn’t fixed. There wasn’t any sort of magic where they just suddenly stopped arguing and kissed each other goodnight before they went to bed, or always said nice things, or even stopped yelling. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t okay. But it was sure as hell a lot better than things had been before. 

 

Dan hardly ever ran out the door in the middle of arguments anymore, coming back during the early hours of the morning smelling like cheap liquor. 

 

Phil tried his hardest to keep his temper under control, even if it occasionally flared out at Dan when he’d have a bad day. 

 

They didn’t go to bed happy all the time, they didn’t fix everything, but it was a step, a tiny step on the road leading to what hopefully one day would lead to happiness between them.

 

Now, when Dan was feeling sad and couldn’t drag himself out of the pit, Phil would kiss his forehead gently and watch anime with him and make him food and let him wear his hoodies and sleep on his bed. 

 

Now, when Phil was angry at himself or the world or even at Dan, Dan had a knack of being able to calm him down, making him some tea and putting on a movie or T.V show to watch in silence. 

 

Because one day, wherever they were, they’d be together and they’d be able to make it through, whatever the obstacle was. 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Comments/kudos are v nice btw


End file.
